This Chick Climbed Mount Washington

I am determined to get back into shape. Although losing weight, catching eyes, and rediscovering my formerly fabulous figure are certainly not at the bottom of my "why" list, my true reasoning is far more selfish. I want to be able to run away with a pair of good hiking boots and explore the whole world. Nowadays, I'm out of breath just walking upstairs at the office. Once upon a time, I hiked 600 feet over a mile. Now, I sit on my ass in an office job 40 hours a week.

I'm restless. I have this crazy desire to just pack a back pack and get the hell out. Maybe come back in a week, maybe just hop from town to town. If I had the money to get away with it, that's exactly what I'd do. Just run away. Fill my passport with stamp, after stamp, after stamp.

Step One: Set your Goal

One of the biggest items on my bucket list is to visit all of the U.S. National Parks at some point in my life. A secondary goal is to make it to as many of the State Parks and National Forests as possible, but that starts to stretch the list considerably. Still do-able, I'm sure, but a bit more intimidating to think about.

I've already seen a handful of the Nationals on various family vacations and such, but I would love to not only make it back to the ones I saw when I was younger (read: didn't appreciate), but to cross each one off that I have yet to experience. According to Wikipedia, there are 58 national parks in the States. Some of these will be easy to get to - the Shenandoahs are practically in my back yard. Some of them will take a bit more planning and saving (US Virgin Islands and American Samoa, I'm looking at you!). But over the course of my life, I hope to experience each and every one of them.

Rainbow Socks & Tap Shoes

Saw Follies at the Kennedy Center with Allie this afternoon, in honor of her graduation. Still not sure if I love the show - I think the big songs are better as stand alones than part of the plot. It's a good concept, and I LOVED the Follie girls walking around the theatre as ghosts of the past. Sometimes they were more interesting to watch than the "modern" day actors. Absolutely gorgeous sad-clown-esque makeup on each of them, and their sequined costumes were absolutely incredible.

Quack.

I turn into such a lame duck after I get off work. Shoulda gone out to this cook out with people I haven't seen in awhile. Instead, I'm staying home to watch the Survivor finale (shut up.) by myself. If it hadn't been pouring rain after I got changed, I probably would have gone. I mean, I'm all changed, my hair is done, all I need is to put shoes on and get out the door. It's just so much hassle to get down to NY Ave and walk the three block to his place. I spent all day yesterday shmoozing with people I hardly know (or didn't know at all until yesterday)... I just kinda wanna do my own thing tonight.

I woulda been totally down with going to hang out for the afternoon if I hadn't had work. Would have loved to sit around and chill and grill and chat. But Christian called to say they were pretty much done with the actual grilling. That they were still sitting around hanging out, and they were looking forward to seeing me, but... I dunno. I haven't eaten yet. I don't really wanna eat a cold burger, or make anyone get up and go to the trouble of putting another on the grill just for me. So it's easier to just stay home and make my own dinner.

Clearly, I'm over-analyzing this whole situation. Part of it boils down to my thinking tonight about how many false friends I have. How many people will smile and say hey when they see me around, but don't really care one way or the other how I am, or if I show up to hang out or not. Like all the people still in CP who I have zero desire to go back and visit, because they'd already started treating me like I was invisible when I was still there. Like all the people in my prom group in high school. Like all of the people in Matt's grade who I used to think were my friends, too, but turned on me as soon as we broke up.

I'm in such a strange mood tonight. Self loathing, loneliness, regret. Part of me wants to pack a bag and drive and just get away for a little while. But that wouldn't help in the long run, would it. It'd just bury all this crap under a thin layer of dirt until it rains and it all gets drudged up again...

My Job is a Dementor.

It's sucking my soul out. Little by little, piece by piece.

I love working in theatre. I love working for my non profit theatre for young audiences. So when I took a job at a much larger, grown up theatre in the area, I thought I would just get to do what I love, but for an older audience. I couldn't have been more wrong. At Big Theatre, it's not about the people coming to see the shows.

Well, it is. But it's not about what they think of the show, and that they had a good, enjoyable experience. It's that they paid us to come see the show. Yes, the production values of the shows are top quality, and yes, I've enjoyed everything I've seen there this season, but that doesn't seem to be what matters. It's all about making the money, winning the awards, and making the money.

At my Little Theatre, we share stories with coworkers about the little kids we saw at the performance, or taking the class, who were absolutely beaming with excitement. Work is encouraged to be a fun place, in addition to a place where you do your job. Every couple of weeks, I see emails about ice cream socials that take place in place of formal staff meetings. Yes, of course, it's still about making the money to come out above our budget line, but sometimes getting the money is allowed to come in second to making the customer happy, and keeping them coming back. Big Theatre is just so corporate, that sometimes it's hard to believe they still fall under that not-for-profit heading. It seems like the art, and the experience are secondary. All they're out to do is make the buck.

Classes are done in 29 days, and graduation is in 37 days. The closer it gets, the more freaked out I find myself getting. First of all, I'm terrified that I'm not going to get the C's I need in three of my classes in order to pass the requirements I need to graduate. Secondly, I'm terrified of what I'm going to do out in that big huge real world out there.

I know how horrible I am at saving money. I'm trying to get better, but I still find myself living paycheck to paycheck. I don't know how I'm going to be able to afford rent plus utilities plus living expenses. I don't even know what sort of work I'm going to be doing. It'd be great to pick up more hours at Imagination Stage. Heck, I'd even be okay if it's just 40 hours a week without benefits. I can stay on my parents' health care plan until I'm 26. That gives me some wiggle room. (Thanks, Obama!) Theoretically, if I get 40 hours a week at my current $10 an hour (for box office), I could be making a bit more than $20,000 a year. That's more than enough to get myself by. I would be okay with that. I could survive, and maybe even thrive, on that. As long as I'm working at least 20 hours a week, I'll have enough for $850 a month.

But what about my creative side? What about the life that I want to have? How do I start putting my name and face out there? How do I book auditions? Do people still do that whole mass mailing of headshot & resume thing? Can I afford to spend all that money on good copies of my headshot and shipping costs? Are people frowned upon if they just email the info in? Which theatres do I bother sending things to? I have a list of theatres and their casting directors in the area... do I just send out a cheery "Hi! I'm a fresh face in the industry looking for opportunities. Audition me!" and hope for the best? Do I start in the crappy regional theatres who are always posting audition notices to email listings and hope I can work my way up from there?

I'm just freaking out. Stressing. Being paranoid. Psyching myself out for hopefully no reason.

I don't know what's up with me this week. I can't seem to shake this funky attitude that's making me feel super mediocre all the time. Went to see an amazing show at Studio last night, and apparently on the walk from the theatre to Metro, about halfway through my mood just completely flip flopped, and I got real quiet.

I'm freaking out a little about passing classes and being able to graduate in December. This cinema class, and astronomy are kicking my butt a bit right now. Anyway. I think my mood rubbed off on Christian. There was a weird funk between us last night/this morning.

SNAP OUTTA IT!