Quack.

I turn into such a lame duck after I get off work. Shoulda gone out to this cook out with people I haven't seen in awhile. Instead, I'm staying home to watch the Survivor finale (shut up.) by myself. If it hadn't been pouring rain after I got changed, I probably would have gone. I mean, I'm all changed, my hair is done, all I need is to put shoes on and get out the door. It's just so much hassle to get down to NY Ave and walk the three block to his place. I spent all day yesterday shmoozing with people I hardly know (or didn't know at all until yesterday)... I just kinda wanna do my own thing tonight.

I woulda been totally down with going to hang out for the afternoon if I hadn't had work. Would have loved to sit around and chill and grill and chat. But Christian called to say they were pretty much done with the actual grilling. That they were still sitting around hanging out, and they were looking forward to seeing me, but... I dunno. I haven't eaten yet. I don't really wanna eat a cold burger, or make anyone get up and go to the trouble of putting another on the grill just for me. So it's easier to just stay home and make my own dinner.

Clearly, I'm over-analyzing this whole situation. Part of it boils down to my thinking tonight about how many false friends I have. How many people will smile and say hey when they see me around, but don't really care one way or the other how I am, or if I show up to hang out or not. Like all the people still in CP who I have zero desire to go back and visit, because they'd already started treating me like I was invisible when I was still there. Like all the people in my prom group in high school. Like all of the people in Matt's grade who I used to think were my friends, too, but turned on me as soon as we broke up.

I'm in such a strange mood tonight. Self loathing, loneliness, regret. Part of me wants to pack a bag and drive and just get away for a little while. But that wouldn't help in the long run, would it. It'd just bury all this crap under a thin layer of dirt until it rains and it all gets drudged up again...