Rainbow Socks & Tap Shoes

Saw Follies at the Kennedy Center with Allie this afternoon, in honor of her graduation. Still not sure if I love the show - I think the big songs are better as stand alones than part of the plot. It's a good concept, and I LOVED the Follie girls walking around the theatre as ghosts of the past. Sometimes they were more interesting to watch than the "modern" day actors. Absolutely gorgeous sad-clown-esque makeup on each of them, and their sequined costumes were absolutely incredible.

Quack.

I turn into such a lame duck after I get off work. Shoulda gone out to this cook out with people I haven't seen in awhile. Instead, I'm staying home to watch the Survivor finale (shut up.) by myself. If it hadn't been pouring rain after I got changed, I probably would have gone. I mean, I'm all changed, my hair is done, all I need is to put shoes on and get out the door. It's just so much hassle to get down to NY Ave and walk the three block to his place. I spent all day yesterday shmoozing with people I hardly know (or didn't know at all until yesterday)... I just kinda wanna do my own thing tonight.

I woulda been totally down with going to hang out for the afternoon if I hadn't had work. Would have loved to sit around and chill and grill and chat. But Christian called to say they were pretty much done with the actual grilling. That they were still sitting around hanging out, and they were looking forward to seeing me, but... I dunno. I haven't eaten yet. I don't really wanna eat a cold burger, or make anyone get up and go to the trouble of putting another on the grill just for me. So it's easier to just stay home and make my own dinner.

Clearly, I'm over-analyzing this whole situation. Part of it boils down to my thinking tonight about how many false friends I have. How many people will smile and say hey when they see me around, but don't really care one way or the other how I am, or if I show up to hang out or not. Like all the people still in CP who I have zero desire to go back and visit, because they'd already started treating me like I was invisible when I was still there. Like all the people in my prom group in high school. Like all of the people in Matt's grade who I used to think were my friends, too, but turned on me as soon as we broke up.

I'm in such a strange mood tonight. Self loathing, loneliness, regret. Part of me wants to pack a bag and drive and just get away for a little while. But that wouldn't help in the long run, would it. It'd just bury all this crap under a thin layer of dirt until it rains and it all gets drudged up again...

My Job is a Dementor.

It's sucking my soul out. Little by little, piece by piece.

I love working in theatre. I love working for my non profit theatre for young audiences. So when I took a job at a much larger, grown up theatre in the area, I thought I would just get to do what I love, but for an older audience. I couldn't have been more wrong. At Big Theatre, it's not about the people coming to see the shows.

Well, it is. But it's not about what they think of the show, and that they had a good, enjoyable experience. It's that they paid us to come see the show. Yes, the production values of the shows are top quality, and yes, I've enjoyed everything I've seen there this season, but that doesn't seem to be what matters. It's all about making the money, winning the awards, and making the money.

At my Little Theatre, we share stories with coworkers about the little kids we saw at the performance, or taking the class, who were absolutely beaming with excitement. Work is encouraged to be a fun place, in addition to a place where you do your job. Every couple of weeks, I see emails about ice cream socials that take place in place of formal staff meetings. Yes, of course, it's still about making the money to come out above our budget line, but sometimes getting the money is allowed to come in second to making the customer happy, and keeping them coming back. Big Theatre is just so corporate, that sometimes it's hard to believe they still fall under that not-for-profit heading. It seems like the art, and the experience are secondary. All they're out to do is make the buck.